Impossible Things II: Waking Up
by orianna-2000
Summary: The Doctor wakes the morning after Doomsday to find that his worst nightmare has come true. Second in the Impossible Things series.


_This is a non-profit work of fan-fiction based upon the television series _Doctor Who_. All related characters, places, and events, belong to the BBC, and Russell T. Davies, used without permission. This story, with all original content, belongs to the author, © 2007. _

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_**Impossible Things II: Waking Up**_  
**by Orianna2000**

This story takes place between _Doomsday_ and _Smith and Jones_.  
Second in the _Impossible Things_ series, a sequel to "What Price?"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

_"Well, I woke up today... and you're on the other side. Our time will never come again."_  
— Song for Ten

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

When I first woke up, I didn't remember.

I'd slept for hours, a rare event for me. Obviously I'd needed it, though I wasn't quite sure why. As I sat up and pushed the blanket away, a niggling feeling hovered in my stomach. What had happened? We'd gone to Earth, hadn't we? To see Rose's mum. That's right.

I stretched, discovering soreness in my arms. It would soon pass, I knew. But _why_ did they ache? What had I done to injure them?

Oh, right—I'd used them to hang on for my life as Torchwood's breach pulled everything covered in Void-stuff into it. No wonder they hurt.

And then it hit me, right in the gut.

Rose.

She'd nearly been pulled into the Void. Somehow, miraculously, Pete had appeared and grabbed onto her, snatched her from the jaws of Hell. Together they'd vanished, and I'd lost her forever.

_Rose!_

I tumbled out of bed, nausea rising in my stomach. I'd lost her. Lost my Rose! It couldn't be. It had to be a nightmare, just a bad dream. The subconscious knows your worst fears; mine must've dredged up what I feared more than anything and fed it to me in the night.

But as I fell to my knees, I knew that it hadn't been a dream. I knew it_had_ happened. The bruises on my arms verified it, and the melancholy song of the TARDIS in my head whispered that I wasn't the only one missing her.

Oh, Rose. Not my Rose. Anything but that. Please... anything but Rose!

I pulled myself to the bathroom and collapsed on the tiled floor. Emotions flooded me and I gasped with pain. I loved her, oh, how I loved her! She'd saved me. She'd made me want to live again; made me feel alive when I'd wanted to die. She'd become the other half of my soul. I loved her. I _needed_ her. But, I'd never told her. And now... now she... she was on the other side of the Void—somewhere I couldn't follow.

Agony lanced through my hearts and I groaned. She couldn't be gone! Not when I loved her. Not when I needed her! Hadn't I lost enough? I had survived the extinction of my entire race. Wasn't that punishment enough for my sins? I needed Rose to keep me sane, to keep me from giving in to the darkness that haunted my soul.

I needed her. But I'd lost her. But I _needed_ her! My mind kept repeating those words as I rocked on my hands and knees. The edges of the tiles cut into my palms and tore the knees of my pyjamas, but I couldn't stop. I needed her... but I'd lost her.

Please—not Rose.

Not Rose.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It took several days before I could face the emptiness of the TARDIS. Four days, five? I couldn't be sure; my normally perfect sense of time had left along with my sanity. When I finally did walk out of my bedroom, the console room seemed to echo and the air felt cold against my scalp. I'd shorn my hair to within a half-inch of the skin. Maybe it hadn't been a proper Gallifreyan mourning custom, but it felt right. My ninth self had done the same after the Time War ended.

Now, what to do? Adventures seemed useless without Rose to share them with. What use was saving the world without her hand in mine as we ran for our lives? I wanted to shove her memories down into a tiny pocket in my heart, to let them lie there for the rest of eternity, forgotten, so that I could go on without this pain.

But I'd promised. When Rose had accused me of leaving my companions behind, forgetting them and never speaking of them again, I'd promised that I wouldn't do that to her. Never to her!

I'd also made the silent promise that if I ever did have to leave her behind, I'd at least say goodbye, so she'd know that I wouldn't be coming back for her. But with Rose stuck in a parallel universe, how could I keep that promise? I couldn't go to her... and if I could, I'd bring her back, not say goodbye. But I'd promised.

It took nearly a year, but I found a way—a tiny crack in the Void, nowhere near large enough to travel through, but just wide enough to send a message through. I tried, and I tried, each time getting the intergalactic equivalent of a busy signal, until finally... it broke through.

I recognized the irony of the situation. Once more, fate had trapped Rose somewhere away from me for her own safety, and once more, I bid Rose farewell by means of a holographic message. But at least this hologram was live, not a recording. I could see her, speak to her... I just couldn't touch her.

I saw her there on that beach, and though I said nothing, the name of the random place I'd broken through triggered a tiny flicker of hope, deep in my heart. What were the odds? And yet, I couldn't let myself hope. Hope would kill me.

We said our goodbyes, there on Bad Wolf Bay. With time running out, I'd decided to tell her the truth of how I felt. She deserved to know how important she was to me. I tried. But I hadn't counted on her saying it first.

"I love you," she said, weeping and so very beautiful.

The power of those three little words nearly overcame me. I couldn't think or speak or breathe.

"Quite right, too," I finally quipped without thinking, just to see her smile one last time. I knew our time was running out. I had to tell her. But I couldn't get any sound past my lips. I tried again.

"I suppose, if it's my last chance to say it..." And I knew that it was. The words choked in my throat. Finally, finally I opened my mouth to say the words. And the link between worlds broke.

Signal lost.

Numbness seared through my chest. I wanted to object, to shout my indignation and wrath, to beg the question of _why_? But then I remembered my fate, and I understood. Somehow, perhaps by my very existence, I had angered Time, or Fate, or maybe even the Universe itself. And for that, it had damned me to an eternal life of solitary misery. I had always known this.

I just hadn't expected life to be _quite_ so cruel.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Rose was gone.

Forever, gone. I opened my eyes and the pain stabbed through me like a knife to both hearts.

Never again would I see her smile. So many different smiles—the brilliant one she flashed when I'd done something particularly clever; the sly one when she tried to hide the fact that she was flirting with me; the teasing one where she stuck the tip of her tongue between her teeth; the tentative one when we were in serious trouble and she wanted to show she had ultimate faith in my abilities, yet was still afraid. There were more, for Rose smiled all the time, and each one had a different meaning. I'd hoped to learn more of them, in time... like how she'd smile when I said I loved her. Except I'd lost that chance forever, too.

She had been gone for years, now. But it still hurt every time I woke up without her. I had searched and explored and investigated, looking for a way to do the impossible, to bring Rose home. But it had nearly cost me my sanity and now I had to face facts. Rose was gone. Gone, forever.

The rest of eternity would pass without me seeing her eyes again. Stars would be born and grow old, the universe would expand to its limit and contract, and still I would be sitting here, alone, without her. I'd not hear her voice, again, either. Not laughing, or responding to one of my wisecracks; not even saying my name.

"_Doctor._"

Just like that. One simple word, two syllables, four consonants, two vowels. The sweetest sound in the universe when said by her. How many times had I heard her voice beside me, only to turn and see nothing there? How often had I heard her voice inside my head, advising me or scolding me?

I sighed, one long breath of utter misery, and slumped onto the Captain's seat.

"_This is important, Doctor, so listen!_"

I covered my eyes with irritation. "Can't it bloody wait? I'm not exactly in the best of moods right now."

"_Look, I know you're upset. You're hurting a lot right now, and it's all my fault, yeah?_"

"Oh, don't be ridiculous. Never say that any of this is your fault! If anything, it's my—" With a sudden jolt, I found myself standing. "Rose?"

"_I know you, Doctor. You'll find a way to shoulder the blame, no matter what really happened. And I won't allow it, d'you hear?_"

There, in front of the console, standing directly across from the doors. Not Rose—not really. A hologram. Life-size, but faded, with little colour to the image. I walked over, hesitant to face this message. For that's what it was, a holographic message from Rose, recorded who knows when... but, no, that wasn't true. I could easily figure out when. I recognized the jacket she wore: one I'd bought for her when we'd taken an ill-timed holiday to the beaches of Falichor VII. We'd arrived at the onset of monsoon season, and Rose's pretty white sundress had been soaked through, ruined by the pink rains. So soon after my regeneration, I wasn't quite sure of myself around her, but I'd bought her the lilac jacket as a surprise. The TARDIS could've supplied her with fresh clothing, of course, but that wasn't the point. Rose had rewarded me with a brilliant smile of gratitude, and as a side benefit just happened to look incredibly sexy wearing the jacket.

So, the message had been recorded some time after that, but obviously before we'd found Torchwood residing in Canary Wharf. That narrowed it down a bit.

I stood in front of the hologram, studying the image of my Rose. So very beautiful: the stubborn set of her jaw, the flash in her eyes... Something about her eyes, some indefinable, almost hidden pain told me that it had been after we'd boarded that derelict spaceship with Mickey in tow. What I'd done there had not been planned, or kind, but it had been deliberate. I didn't want Rose to love me, and so I had done my best to drive her away, flaunting Reinette's affection in her face, to show Rose that loving me would only end in heartbreak.

And so it had.

That narrowed it down even more. If I had to guess, I'd say that she'd recorded the message after we'd escaped the black hole. We'd nearly lost each other then, and it had almost—_almost—_made me throw caution out the window: to tell Rose how I truly felt, consequences be damned. Now, I wished I had. At least then, she'd know. Know for sure, not just suspect or be uncertain, but positively know that she'd stolen both my hearts from the moment she'd put her hand in mine and bolted when I'd told her to run.

Did she know how proud I was of her? Not many humans would put their trust in a complete stranger, but she had, and not only saved the world but my life along with it. Before I'd met Rose, I'd wanted to die. Imagine that. A Time Lord wanting to die! But she'd saved me, given me reason to keep running. We could've run so far together...

But it was my destiny to be alone. I'd tried over the centuries to cheat that fate by taking companions, tiny flickering lights in a black void, but they always left and I always found some new little light to stave off the darkness. Rose was different. She sparked and smouldered, until one day I looked at her and saw nothing but flame.

I loved her. That's when I knew I was doomed.

I'd thought perhaps if I hid it, it would save us both. If I never told her, then it didn't count, and she wouldn't be taken from me.

I was wrong.

"_Doctor_..."

Maybe, just maybe, I'd been given a second chance. I stood directly in front of the hologram, and the image of Rose looked up at me. She smiled, and the joy hurt.

"_If you're watching this, it had better be because something's happened to me, and not because you've been tinkering around with the record logs again, trying to read my diaries! Yes, I'm still keeping a diary_," she said, fixing me with a stern glare. "_And no, you can't read it. Not unless I'm really gone, that is. Then I suppose it doesn't matter._"

Diaries? My eyebrows went up thoughtfully. I would definitely have to find those...

Rose continued, "_The TARDIS has promised to play this message only if something terrible's happened, something that's separated us forever. I asked her to be sure, really sure. So, this means that I'm gone. And you're blaming yourself. Now, I know how you are, so I just want to say that I _don't_ blame you. Not for anything! I trust you, Doctor. I've always trusted you. This life we lead, it's dangerous! I chose the risks anyway, so I could be with you. And I know that whatever happened, you did your best. If there was any way of saving me, or getting me back, you'd find it. I believe in you. So, even if I'm dead, it isn't your fault. Understand?_"

"Rose," I whispered, "I've tried. I've tried everything. It can't be done."

"_That's not all I want to say, though._"

The image flickered and I held my breath. I could see Rose's chest rise and fall as she struggled to compose herself. She lifted her chin and looked at me with shining eyes.

"_From the day I met you, you've brought chaos into my life. But I needed that, yeah? You've no idea how much I needed you. The adventures, the amazing places you've showed me, all of it was fantastic, but d'you know what the best part is?_" She grinned. "_You. Just you._"

My eyes began to burn.

"_You're what I was born for, Doctor. My life would've been nothing without you—nothing at all. You've taught me a better way of living. You're my best mate, but more than that. I..._" She ducked her head for a moment, and when she looked back up, her eyes glimmered with unshed tears. "_I've wanted to tell you, for so long now. But I know you didn't want me to. I know why, too. You think I could never really love you. You think if I ever really got to know you, I'd run away. But I do know you. I know everything there is to know..._"

Her gaze swept around to the metal door that hid the heart of the TARDIS. My jaw dropped, just a little.

"_I know everything_," she went on, "_And I still love you._"

"Rose... oh, Rose." My equilibrium lost, I had to lean against the railing. Tears fell onto the cloth of my suit, but I didn't care. If it stained, it would be a reminder of what I had lost.

"_What's more, Doctor, I know that you love me, too. The TARDIS—she showed me, so I understand. You think you don't deserve me, yeah? So much pain and darkness... And now you're gonna be alone again, and it's all my fault._"

She wiped at her face, but more tears fell. How I ached to hold her, to bury my face in her shoulder, to smell her hair and her breath and her skin, to comfort her and be comforted in return. But she was gone, and this was only a three-dimensional recording. I had to shove my hands into my pockets to stop from reaching for the hologram.

"_I wish I could tell you right now," _she said,_ "But you're not ready to hear me. I've already promised that I'll stay with you forever, but I don't think you believe me. You're not ready to hear the truth, yet. And that's okay. I'll wait as long as I need to, because you're worth it, Doctor. And no matter what happens, I'll be with you forever, just like I said._"

I sank to the floor in front of the hologram, my breath heaving. The guilt, the anguish, all of it washed away with her words. She knew that I loved her. She knew everything, and she still loved me. It was almost more than I could bear without weeping.

_"One more thing, Doctor."_

I looked up, and it almost seemed as if her gaze met mine.

_"I know you'll keep travelling, going everywhere, just like always. But don't do it alone, yeah? Find someone to go with you, someone who'll enjoy running for her life just as much as I do. Maybe __it'll take you awhile, but tell her about me, if you can. That you once knew a shop girl whose hand fit perfectly into yours."_ She held out her hand and I reached for it, unthinking. She smiled down at me, and then vanished.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I woke on the console room floor. How long had it been since I'd slept? Or even taken time to rest? I must have fallen asleep on the floor out of sheer exhaustion. I stretched, pulling my arms over my head with a groan. And then I remembered.

Rose.

The hologram.

She loved me, and knew that I loved her.

For the first time since I'd woken up with Rose on the other side, I felt almost at peace. It still hurt—oh, how it hurt—but that brilliant little ape had said exactly what I needed to hear. If there was a way to find her again, I would do it. But meanwhile, I couldn't stop living.

I got up from the floor, with a grid pattern imprinted on my trousers and knees sore from being down there so long. My face felt stiff with tears. I wouldn't cry again, though I would mourn her. And as I roamed the universe, I would look for a way to bring her home. But I would also keep on living as usual, because that's what she'd want me to do.

I took a shower, my first in nearly a week, and when I came back out into the bedroom, I found a suit laid out on the bed for me. Not my usual brown with blue pinstripes—this one reflected my state of mind. Navy indicated mourning on Gallifrey, and so the TARDIS had picked out a suit of dark blue for me. It had pale pink pinstripes to liven it up, and the bright red Chucks that I found nearby gave a whimsical edge to the outfit. It might take some getting used to, but I liked it.

Dressed and groomed, I stood at the console and thought about where to go. Some instinct had me enter Earth's coordinates.

Go to London without Rose? I had to eventually, since so many events centred on London. It would be better to get it over with. Surely something exciting would happen. Who knows? I might even meet my next companion. Not that anyone could ever replace Rose. But she was wise, Rose was. She knew me well; having someone around would help keep me sane.

And, meanwhile, I wouldn't give up hope. Maybe, just maybe, I would see her again.

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_** Author's Note:**_ Well, there's a first time for everything and after being begged and pleaded, I've finally gone and posted an official sequel to one of my stories. Not only is this a sequel, but it will shortly be followed by its own sequel, meaning I've gone and written a series! What is the world coming to? Another thank-you goes to _Little Zink_ for her beta-reading, and I'd also like to thank everyone who's taken the time to review one of my stories. Your comments mean everything to me. 


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